hey, are you up?

It's like lunchtime here lol

i'll take that as a yes then
good because i'm spiralling

What's up?

it feels like there's this thing in my head, right
this golden, wonderful thing that's capable of such wonderful things
but it's timid - so timid! - and always in flux
i try to approach it and it hides
every time i tihnk i'vve got a hold on it, it changes into something else
like i see my goal and it's not that far away, but then i get over to it and it turns out it's actually a bridge, or a tunnel
and now i have to go through that instead
it never ends!

That sounds like, the archetypical Journey of Creative Self-Discovery, friend
Get new material

>:|
it's frustrating
i'm frustrated

Maybe you need a change of scenery
Have you tried going for a walk?

i immediately regret messaging you
i don't know what i expected
i just wanted to vent a bit i guess

Hey, you vent away
I'm not in any rush

like, i see people with these honed skills, right
artists online, musicians, authors, whatever
and i love all of these things
and i know that honing a skill takes time, too
i am more than aware of that
but i feel like you kind of have to pick one, and run with it?
specialise, you know?
and my specialty is plants

You like plants

yeah i do like plants
plants are great
but plants aren't music
they're not a novel, or a poignant game or something
they're creative, but only in the abstract way that, like, running is creative
the kind of trophy-for-taking-part creative
maybe
idk
maybe i'm imposter syndroming myself
but i want to make those "real" creative things too
and i am frustrated because i feel like i can't pick
i can't specialise
i love all of them, how could i focus on writing at the cost of anything visual?
there's so precious little time to use on any of these things
and i feel like i waste that time trying to pick something, instead of actually doing anything

I don't think you want to be a writer
I don't think you want to be a musician either
You're definitely a creative, though
Non-creatives are never this difficult
Look, if you want to write, write, if you want to draw, draw
You don't have to pick one!
You don't have to define yourself by that label, or use it at all
If you'll indulge a little anecdote

please

When I lived in Madrid for a year I agonised over whether I was fluent enough
I had a social life, studied the culture, explored the country and stuff all in Spanish, but always just reckoned nah, I got lucky, or the locals were being kind with my fumbled locution
In my head I was (and honestly, still am) a total beginner
It was only when I was on the way back home I got to talking to some guy in a bar, and somehow got onto languages
He only spoke English himself, but he asked me: can you have a conversation? Can you make friends? Can you help someone who's lost?
And I figured well, yeah
By those measures, I'm fluent
I don't know what CEFR level I am, but also, I don't really care?
It's not like someone's going to check my credentials before engaging in conversation
Sorry it was a bit wandering but I think my point is basically that it's about what you do, not what you are
Or what you think you are
We are defined by our actions
What you think you are, or even what someone else thinks you are, doesn't really matter at all
Labels and nouns are useful to get ideas across, but they're not real, right?
So don't try to force them upon things which are

<3
thanks
thanks for getting me out of my head

No problem Rye
You take care up there

i will
hey, could you do me a favour?

If it's not insane

next time you see a tree
send me a picture?
i miss trees

I'll grab one on my walk home

xoxo